i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
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I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
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I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I need to calm my uterus...
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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