Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
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I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
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