Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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