we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
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security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
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While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
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