she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
