she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I have aggressive nipples.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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