My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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