One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
