I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
