I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
