I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
