Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
