this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
