Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
