remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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