Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
