Already got asked if we're dating
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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