who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
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