he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
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I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
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I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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