life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
