Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
