I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Randomize
