You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
