So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
