How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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