I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
