I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
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