I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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