the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
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