I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
