Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
