My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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