I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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