I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Randomize
