Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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