the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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