Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
