I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
