It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
well you can't waste a boner
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
