He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You were trust falling into bushes
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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