Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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