I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
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