Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
