I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
