Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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