I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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