Don't make out with my wife yet
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
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