I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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