Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
my phone needs a breathalizer
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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