I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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