Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
