you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
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Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
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How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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