I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
its liver damage thursday
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
