You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
