Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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